Msgr. Peter J. Vaghi
Title of Series: "Sacraments: The Catholic Faith Celebrated"

Part 8: "Matrimony: It Takes Three"

May 1st, 2008
First Thursday

“I John take you Mary to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.” And then Mary says the same thing to John. The priest or deacon then accepts the vows and declares what God has joined, we must not divide. Marriage takes place at that moment.

These or similar words have been uttered for many, many years in churches around the entire word. Many of you have repeated these words, these words, these marriage vows, giving your consent to one’s spouse -- some over 40 years ago, 20, 10, 5 years ago, maybe more recently. For many of you, these words have defined and nurtured a life-giving and life time relationship “in good times and bad, in sickness and in health.” For some, for various reasons, it did not work out the way you had hoped and desired. For still others, hope springs eternal.

What do these vows mean? What does the Church understand about marriage? For sure, marriage and
family life are under attack in our world today. One need only read the paper to see that efforts are being made to redefine the traditional understanding of marriage and sexuality. In fact, in his recent pastoral and historic visit to our city and Nation, Pope Benedict XVI, in speaking to the bishops of the United States, challenged America in these words even after affirming the importance of family life: “How can we not be dismayed as we observe the sharp decline of the family as a basic element of Church and society? Divorce and infidelity have increased, and many young men and women are choosing to postpone marriage or to forego it altogether.” He adds: “To some young Catholics, the sacramental bond of marriage seems scarcely distinguishable from a civil bond, or even a purely informal and open-ended arrangement to live with another person.” (April 16, 2008, Address of Benedict XVI to the American Bishops)

Today’s meditation, entitled “Matrimony: It Takes Three,” is designed to look systematically and fundamentally at the root meaning of marriage. I will look to Holy Scripture and our Tradition which sets forth the meaning of marriage, as the Church understands and teaches about marriage, that unbreakable union between a man and a woman, a loving union designed to give new life and life in the full.

How do we as committed Catholics, as Christians, understand marriage? Both the Catechism of the Catholic Church and the United States Catholic Catechism for Adults can help us be better informed in our tackling and dealing with the challenging questions which marriage presents today and in every age. We must never react simply from prejudice or ignorance -- always from understanding.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church underscores, from the beginning of its section on marriage, that “the vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator. Marriage is not a purely human institution despite the many variations it may have undergone through the centuries in different cultures, social structures, and spiritual attitudes. These differences should not cause us to forget its common and permanent characteristics. Although the dignity of this institution is not transparent everywhere with the same clarity, some sense of the greatness of matrimonial union exists in all cultures.” CCC 1603

The Catechism beautifully sets forth the Church’s unique understanding of marriage, sexuality and family life. Importantly, it speaks of “God’s plan” for marriage. For indeed God has a plan for marriage and His plan stems from the very beginning of time. It is etched in the very order of creation itself. Genesis describes this so well. God is, after all, the author of marriage and He has endowed marriage with its own laws.

In Genesis 2:18, we read “the Lord God said: ‘it is not good for man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him.” And the man said: “‘this one, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called woman.”” Gn 2:23 In Genesis 2: 24, we hear “that is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.” God blessed the love between man and woman and said: “Be fertile and multiply.” Gn l: 28 Thus from Genesis, the very first book of the Bible, to Revelation, the last book, language of marriage abounds -- from the creation narratives of God creating man and woman in His own image and likeness to the vision of Revelation “the wedding feast of the Lamb.”

“While the Church clearly teaches that discrimination against any group of people is wrong, efforts to make cohabitation, domestic partnerships, same-sex unions, and polygamous unions equal to marriage are misguided and also wrong.” USCCA 280 That is why the new United States Catholic Catechism for Adults states clearly: “The Church and her members need to continue to be a strong and clear voice in protecting an understanding of marriage, which is rooted in natural law and revealed in God’s law.” USCCA 280

Furthermore, Genesis describes the “rupture” of love between man and woman, a rupture that we have come to call Original Sin. It was a rupture because God had intended and created man to live in loving communion with woman.

Marriage too -- from the very beginning -- thus lives under the regime of sin. This certainly reflects the reality of the human experience -- your own experience and mine -- when the catechism teaches that “Every man experiences evil around him and within himself. This experience makes itself felt in the relationships between man and woman. Their union has always been threatened by discord, a spirit of domination, infidelity, jealousy, and conflicts that can escalate into hatred and separation..” CCC 1607 It continues: “...the disorder...does not stem from the nature of man and woman, nor from the nature of their relations, but from sin. As a break with God, the first sin had for its first consequence the rupture of the original communion between man and woman. Their relations were distorted by mutual recriminations; their mutual attraction, the Creator’s own gift, changed into a relationship of domination and lust; and the beautiful vocation of man and woman to be fruitful, multiply, and subdue the earth was burdened by the pain of childbirth and the toil of work.” CCC 1607

We thus see from the beginning how Original Sin had direct and deliterious consequences for the love between a man and woman. Those consequences continue to this very day. Unrepented sin adversely affects the very purposes of marriage. Couples gradually find it easier to divorce or to be unfaithful instead of nurturing a faithful and exclusive relationship.

But the Good News -- and we are about Good News -- is that Jesus Christ -- by His life, death, resurrection and sending of the Spirit -- undid the sin of Adam. And this has forever had a positive effect on each and every one of us inclusive of those who are called to the married state. At this point, I cannot emphasize enough the importance to married life of the regular reception of the Sacrament of Penance. That frequent encounter with the healing Jesus is fruit of the Easter Mystery and a sure guarantee that married life will continue to deepen in surprising and miraculous ways. Forgiveness, after all, is the open door to miracles.

Now to Jesus --

“On the threshold of his public life Jesus performs his first sign -- at his mother’s request -- during a wedding feast. (Jn2:1-11) The Church attaches great importance to Jesus’ presence at the wedding at Cana. She sees in it the confirmation of the goodness of marriage and the proclamation that thenceforth marriage will be the efficacious sign of Christ’s presence.” CCC 1613

Jesus taught by deeds and words. His words about marriage significantly compliment the importance of His deeds, most specifically His presence at Cana. In His preaching, Jesus taught unequivocally about the original meaning of the marriage covenant and God’s will that the covenant be indissoluble. When asked about divorce, in Mt. 19: 4-7, Jesus was explicitly clear that from the very beginning of times -- in fact quoting from Genesis and making it His own -- He said “‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.” This teaching of Jesus is an “unequivocal insistence on the indissolubility of the marriage bond.” CCC1615 For Jesus, marriage is thus indissoluble -- i.e. forever -- and there is a “unity” about it -- i.e. one flesh, a communion of persons.

At the same time, “Jesus has not placed on spouses a burden impossible to bear, or too heavy...By coming to restore the original order of creation disturbed by sin, he himself gives the strength and the grace to live marriage in the new dimension of the Reign of God.” CCC 1615

How is this possible? “It is following Christ, renouncing themselves, and taking up their crosses that spouses will be able to ‘receive’ the original meaning of marriage and live it with the help of Christ. This grace of Christian marriage is a fruit of Christ’s cross, the source of all Christian life.” CCC 1615

As I so often say in my marriage homilies: When you commit yourselves to each other as husband and wife, Jesus also acts. He makes it possible. He gives you the capacity to love each other as He loved and continues to love His bride, the Church. Your present love for each other will be strengthened by this sacramental encounter with Jesus. In fact, you will be empowered anew to live the Gospel commandment to love one another as the Lord Jesus loves us.

Yes, when two baptized persons marry each other, the Lord Jesus becomes an intimate partner of that union, that communion of man and woman. As I mentioned in the title of this meditation -- “Matrimony: It Takes Three.” That is what makes the marriage of two baptized persons, a Christian marriage, different from any other form of marriage. In effect, the man and woman becomes married into Christ Jesus for Christ has raised this covenant of two baptized persons to the dignity of a sacrament -- one of 7 unique and transformative encounters with the living God.

“The grace of the Sacrament perfects the love of husband and wife, binds them together in fidelity, and helps them welcome and care for children. Christ is the source of this grace and he dwells with the spouses to strengthen their covenant promises, to bear each other’s burdens with forgiveness and kindness, and to experience ahead of time the ‘wedding feast of the Lamb’” (Rev 19:9) USCCA 285

Marital love represents, in its deepest sense, the unbreakable love that Jesus had and continues to have for His Church, that new covenant of sacrificial love that Jesus evidenced on the cross, for His bride the Church, for each one of us. That is the new law of love, the law of Christian marriage that forms the couples.

In Eph 5: 25-26, St. Paul refers to this marital union as “a great mystery.” He says “I refer to Christ and
His Church.” Think of marriage in this way -- the sacrament of marriage is akin to the loving, unbreakable and totally self-giving love that Christ had and continues to have for His Church. The entire Christian life bears the mark of that spousal love of Christ and His Church.

That is why it is so appropriate, and normal between two Roman Catholics, to celebrate the sacrament of marriage in the context of the Mass. “In the Eucharist the memorial of the New Covenant is realized, the New Covenant in which Christ has united himself forever to the Church, his beloved bride for whom he gave himself up. It is therefore fitting that the spouses should...give themselves to each other through the offering of their own lives by uniting it to the offering of Christ for his Church made present in the Eucharistic sacrifice...” CCC 1621

The man and woman are the ministers of grace to one another. They confer the sacrament on each other by expressing their consent before the Christian community and in the presence of a deacon or priest who visibly represents the fact that marriage is an ecclesial reality. Integral to a valid Christian
marriage is the consent. The Church teaches that “the exchange of consent between the spouses” is “the indispensible element that ‘makes the marriage.’” CCC 1626

Now what are the purposes or ends of marriage and married love? This union, this communion of persons, has a twofold end: “the good of the spouses themselves and the transmission of life.” CCC 2363

When we speak of the “good of the spouses,” we speak of conjugal love, of a love that is significantly different, more powerful, than what the world presently understands by love: sexual attraction, friendship, affection, relationship, intimacy. It is all of those, but so much more. “By its very nature conjugal love requires the inviolable fidelity of the spouses. This is the consequence of the gift of themselves that they make to each other. Love seeks to be definitive; it cannot be an arrangement ‘until further notice.’ The ‘intimate union of marriage, as a mutual giving of two persons, and the good of children, demand total fidelity from the spouses and require and unbreakable union between them.” CCC 1646 In the very beautiful words of our beloved Holy Father John Paul II, in his historic Apostolic Letter on the Dignity and Vocation of Women, he wrote -- speaking of married love -- "In the 'unity of the two', man and woman are called from the beginning not only to exist 'side by side' or 'together' but they are also called to exist mutually 'one for the other.'" What a profound way to describe married love! It is for the good of the spouses.

Now when we speak of the second purpose of marriage. i.e. the transmission of life, what do we mean? “By its very nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory.” CCC 1652 Fecundity is a gift, a gift of God. “So the Church, which ‘is on the side of life’ teaches that ‘each and every marriage act must remain open to the transmission of life.’ This particular doctrine, expounded on numerous occasions by the Magisterium, is based on the inseparable connection, established by God, which man on his own initiative may not break, between the unitive significance and procreative significance which are both inherent to the marriage act.” CCC 2366

Although the church certainly teaches responsible parenthood in the regulation of births, there are those, I know, who would rather that the Church’s teaching be for an openness to life in marriage as a whole rather than such an openness in “each and every act.” In God’s mysterious plan, however, he calls married couples to live out their holiness in this latter way, i.e. each and every act of sexual intercourse.

We keep coming back to the image of Christ’s love for His church -- the model of married love. His Church, born on Calvary out of love, was a fruitful love. This is the model for the married state. The source of fruitfulness lies in the fact that no limit was placed on Christ’s love for the Church. It was a total and full self-surrender. Married couples, like Jesus, witness to their call to holiness and grow in holiness when their love is total, fully human, exclusive, always open -- without any artificial restriction -- to new life, mutually self-giving. This union is more than physical fruitfulness. It means spiritual fruitfulness -- that total surrender each and every day in both large and small matters -- one to the other. This is at the heart of married spirituality as the Church understands it.

It is interesting that in the midst of the discussion on marriage, both catechisms speak of “marriage preparation.”

They underscore the vital importance of “marriage preparation.” It links the very “free and responsible” consent -- that indispensible aspect of marriage -- to marriage preparation itself. “So that the ‘I do’ of the spouses may be a free and responsible act and so that the marriage covenant may have solid and lasting human and Christian foundations, preparation for marriage is of prime importance.” CCC 1632 “These programs are all the more necessary because cultural changes in recent times have undermined God’s will for marriage.” USCCA 285

As a priest, working with couples as they prepare for marriage, is clearly one of the most important parts of my ministry and it has been from the beginning. These sessions with engaged couples are absolutely essential and they can make a major difference for a couple in understanding exactly what it is that they are embarking upon and hopefully, in the process, they come to know each other better.

Both catechisms also acknowledge a reality which is so clear from the pastoral practice today -- the presence of mixed marriages, i.e. marriages between a Catholic and non-Catholic. Many of you, having received the appropriate permission, are living this kind of marital union and many of you very successfully for many years. “Difference of confession between spouses does not constitute an insurmountable obstacle for marriage...But the difficulties of mixed marriages must not be underestimated. They arise from the fact that the separation of Christians has not yet been overcome...Disparity of cult can further aggravate these difficulties...” CCC 1634 “…but these differences can be lessened when the spouses share what they have received from their respective traditions and learn from each other how they fulfill their fidelity to Christ.” USCCA 289

There is in some circles a major misconception -- belief that “divorce” actually exists in the Church. That is not true.

What then is an annulment, you might ask?

After investigation of a particular marriage which might even seem to the whole world to be a true marriage in every way, the Church can determine that it was not so “from the very beginning.” When this happens, the Church grants an annulment that means that there never was a Catholic marriage “from the very beginning.” If a marriage, for example, took place under fear or under coercion it would not be a valid marriage. “For this reason (or for other reasons that render the marriage null and void), the Church, after an examination of the situation by the competent ecclesiastical tribunal, can declare the nullity of a marriage, i.e. that the marriage never existed from the very beginning. In this case the contracting parties are free to marry, provided the natural obligations of a previous union are discharged.” CCC 1629 However,“the remarriage of persons divorced from a living, lawful spouse (WITHOUT AN ANNULMENT) contravenes the plan and law of God as taught by Christ. They are not separated from the Church, but they cannot receive Eucharistic communion.” CCC 1665

Finally, marriage must always been seen in the context of family life. As Pope Paul Vl has so beautifully taught: "The Christian family is the domestic Church." The Church, indeed society, is built upon, grows from, depends upon this fundamental unit of the family. The fruitfulness of marriage involves parents not only in begetting children. Parents are the first teaches of their children in the faith. The family is a school of human virtues and love. “In our own time, in a world often alien and even hostile to faith, believing families are of primary importance as centers of living, radiant faith.” CCC 1656.

We must never forget the large number of single people, however, who, either by choice or circumstances, live in sincere and dedicated love to Christ and His Church. “‘No one is without a family in this world: the Church is a home and family for everyone...’”CCC 1658

As we end this First Thursday/ First Friday fellowship together this year, my prayer today is for all families, each of your families, for mothers, fathers, grandparents, extended families, for all who are single and are members of the Church family, that you have a peaceful and relaxing summer. God bless you until the Fall.

Amen